I Will Always Favre You

by Todd Smith

 

I was in my front yard raking up some leaves. Nothing unusual about that. Well, except for the fact that I was dressed like Brett Favre. What can I say? I just wanted to look more Favre-ish. I wore a t-shirt with the sleeves cut off, wrangler-y jeans and my beard was a thick tuft with a healthy dose of gray splashed in.

 

My wife came outside to help me pick up leaves and saw me standing there looking like Favre.

 

“I don’t really want to know,” Sarah said somewhat bemused. “But why are you dressed like that?”

 

“I’m Favre-ing up my look,” I said. Then I smacked her on the ass and let out a loud hoot. I recently watched a video montage of Favre where he playfully smacked all of his teammates on the rear and howled with a childlike glee and thought I’d give that a shot.

 

As my celebratory football ass-smack rang in the crisp fall air, I realized that a person could apply the name ‘Favre’ and all Favre-ish behavior into every aspect of life. If you don’t believe me, you underestimate the Favre. Here’s a look:

 

Relationships

Favre: Since leaving Green Bay, Favre has been chronically indecisive about continuing to play football or retiring.

Real life application: When a person in a relationship is being noncommittal that person can be referred to as, “Pulling a Favre.”

I love my boyfriend Tom. But every time we discuss marriage he pulls a Favre on me. One minute he wants to. Then the next he doesn’t. Then he tells me he has to have surgery on his elbow, but he should be all healed up in time for the wedding. But who knows what that means?

Partying

Favre: While he has a canon of an arm and is one of best quarterbacks of all time, Favre is also known for his ability to spray the field with bad interceptions and other rash misjudgments.

Real Life application: When you go out on Friday night and give it your all only to end up spewing chunks inside the bar it is referred to as “Favre-ing the field.”

I don’t know what happened last night, bro. Things were epic at the CC Club. Things got out of hand a little bit there at the end and before I knew it I was Favre-ing all over the street, the sidewalk and some cab drivers face.

Job Performance

Favre: In recent years, Favre has avoided training camp by delaying his announcement to play. He does this because he feels he has earned the right to not have to grind out the preseason in the Mankato sweat box.

Real life application: When a coworker doesn’t put the time and effort in to a work project, but then swoops in at the tail end to join the team and get the glory, that person simply “Favred” his performance.

I’ve been working by myself for three months on the Subaru account. Then Walter comes in yesterday and Favred me. He pats me on the back and tells me that he loves everything that we have done! Then he leads our sales pitch, takes over the account, gets all the credit and then has sex with my wife.

Parenting

Favre: He is a legendary field commander, one who leads his team through all the good and bad moments of the football season.  Off the field, Brett Favre is more than just a football player. He is a way of life. Favre is an omnipresent force. He is everywhere and at all times: He has saturated every aspect of our daily lives in the Twin Cities. Favre is on the news, on the radio, on ESPN and we read about him in every magazine or newspaper.

Real Life application: Your parenting style is referred to as "Favrer" because you manage every aspect of the goings-on in your house.

Man, I wish I could go with you to that party. But my mom is a total Favrer right now. She’s running the house it like a tie game and it’s the fourth quarter right now.

Sexual Positions

Favre: Favre’s been playing for twenty seasons and bent over and been behind more centers than any man in history.

Real Life application: The sexual position known universally as “doggy style” is now referred to as “Favrey Style.”

Oh, my god, last night me and Patrick ended up doing it Favrey style. It was kinda weird, though, cause he made me wear a mouth guard and kept calling me ‘Jason Spitz.’

Term of Endearment

Favre: Every person who is not in Wisconsin loves Brett Favre. He can throw crazy interceptions that lose games and Super Bowls, but we always have a spot in our hearts for Favre.

Real Life application: No matter what a person does or how bad they suck, you love them no matter what.

A mother looks at her son who is about to smoke crack out of the skull of a dead cat he just killed with his bare hands and says, “I will always Favre you.”